Big Fancy Words

Just kidding, I'm still too tired to use any of my $12 vocab this morning. I don't know what is going on in the air this week, (oh wait, yes I do..it's the radiation scare from Japan) but I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in almost a week. I feel like this lack is starting to effect my brain. When I do finally nod off, my dreams are weird and unsettling, and I'm having trouble finding funny shit to write about. The only cool things I've done this week are: get an oil change in the truck, go on a bike ride with Kiminakayak, and work on a piece of jewelery for myself. The oil change took about 20 minutes, the bike ride was super fun (even if we did find a pond full of dead fish) and the jewelery piece is nearly done, None of those things are hilarious. Well, the dead fish was kind of funny..I mean, who has a pond full of that grossness? Really! I wish I had my camera so I could have shared it with you. Maybe I'll go down there today and take some pictures..it's too odd not to. Oh, and I still don't have a suitable prank to pull on hubs tomorrow. Nature has one in store for us in the form of a "huge storm", but I wanted to do something funny. *Sigh*, what ever. If things don't perk up around here soon I'm going to have to do something drastic, like speak with a funny accent for a day or make skipping my primary mode of transportation. I just don't know. Any suggestions on how to spice up my week and get good sleep all at the same time? Leave me a suggestion in the comments and I'll try them all. The results should be funny enough to last a couple of posts anyways...xoxo

Are you pissed like me?

  Here's a little gem that was in my inbox this morning. What a way to start your day. My comments will be surrounded by *these guys* (the sarcasm font of choice)

Dear MoveOn member,

Should rape and incest survivors be forced to prove to the IRS that they were assaulted?

What kind of question is that? *I know that's rhetorical, but this makes me want to punch kittens.*

But a bill proposed by anti-choice lawmakers in Congress could force many sexual assault survivors to do just that.¹

The bill would impose tax penalties on small businesses and individuals who buy abortion coverage with their own money—with exceptions only for cases of rape, incest, or when a woman's life is in danger.²

The result? Survivors of rape and incest who seek abortion care could be forced to detail their assaults and provide proof to IRS investigators.³    

^{*REALLY!! Cuz being assaulted isn't traumatizing enough...for fucks sake people*}

Reliving a horrific sexual assault to the police and in court is awful enough. *No shit*    Forcing women to prove that they were assaulted to IRS investigators is simply inhumane. And sadly, this bill is just the latest in a long list of Republican attacks on women this year, from anti-choice legislation to a budget that guts critical programs for women and their families.

So with our friends at EMILY's List, a progressive group dedicated to electing Democratic pro-choice women, we've launched a "Stop the War on Women" campaign. Can you sign the petition today?

Click here to sign the "Stop the War on Women" petition.

Despite campaigning on job creation, Republicans have focused their agenda this year on attacking the rights and well-being of women. From pushing several anti-choice bills to cutting billions from health care, food aid, child care, and education, their attacks constitute nothing less than a full-scale war on women.

That's why MoveOn.org and EMILY's List launched the "Stop the War on Women" campaign—to tell Republicans "no" to taking away the rights and freedoms of American women, "no" to threatening the health of millions of women and their families, and "no" to sneak attacks on women's right to choose.

Republicans clearly have no boundaries when it comes to attacking women's rights. But just like when they attempted to redefine rape, we can stop them from passing this anti-choice bill and subjecting rape survivors to inhumane interrogations—if we all speak out.

Can you sign the "Stop the War on Women" petition today? Just click below—and share this email with your friends, family, and social networks today.

http://www.moveon.org/r?r=207138&id=26676-18414111-4aPTQMx&t=3

Thanks for all you do.

–Kat, Wes, Joan, Peter, and the rest of the team

Sources:

1. "GOP Bill Would Force IRS to Conduct Abortion Audits," Mother Jones, March 18, 2011
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=207116&id=26676-18414111-4aPTQMx&t=4

2. "H.R. 3: A Dangerous and Misleading Bill that Threatens Women's Health,'" National Women's Law Center, March 2, 2011
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=207136&id=26676-18414111-4aPTQMx&t=5

3. "GOP Bill Would Force IRS to Conduct Abortion Audits," Mother Jones, March 18, 2011
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=207116&id=26676-18414111-4aPTQMx&t=6

Another excellent idea, brought to you by American Republicans. There isn't coffee strong enough to make me calm down after this one.  (But I'll try, and then I'll write you a funny story. OO TWO POSTS in one day?? Who's birthday is it?)

Ugh.

Welp, it's Monday again, *hooray* and I didn't sleep last night. I tried to sleep. I went to bed with every intention of going to sleep and waking up rested and refreshed. But no...none of that for me last night. I was tormented instead, by Lucy Lawless reading what sounded like a grocery list, over and over and over and over and over. Thank you subconscious mind, for being so damn weird. So, as a result I am very very tired this morning. I had thought about going back to bed for a short nap. I just know that if I do that though, I won't wake up until around 1 or so and my whole day will just be ruined. I have a lot going on today, between working on my newest project, a couple of errands and taking hubs to a few appointments in the late afternoon, my day is pretty full. BTW, whenever you see words surrounded by *these* asterisks, that's sarcasm. I've decided that since no one has invented the sarcasm font yet, that's how you'll know when I'm being snarky. Feel free to use this idea for all your text based sarcasm needs. Umm, what else...let's see...I don't know. I'm tired. Maybe some hot tea will help. Here's hoping! Everyone enjoy your day, I'll see you tomorrow...hopefully I get some sleep tonight and something funny happens today so I have a story for y'all.

Afternoon delight

Just a quick note today, with a question. My visit with Hay yesterday was awesome! We had so much fun, shopping and making things! Towards the end of the visit though, she said something that struck me. She asked me how I kept my skin so clear, and my pores so small. Surprised, I asked her the same thing.  An innocuous exchange, to be sure. But when I look at myself in the mirror, I see giant blackheads (EWWWW gross! I know!!) and scars and flaws. I played off the question, telling her the face washes I use, and I don't think she knew how bothered I was by it. Now, the question..how much of your reflection is real? If what you see when you look at yourself isn't what you really look like, how can you trust your own eyes? Is it a manifestation of some psychological disorder? Or is it something else? Why don't I know what I look like? Why don't you?

Here's a shot of me and Hay from yesterday, you can see my fab new hair color, and our apparently awesome skin. Enjoy the weekend!

Oh boy!

Oh it's Friday!! Hooray!!! I am totally excited today, because, as I mentioned yesterday, it's Art Camp day at my sister's house! The fire in my belly to get creative is nearly overwhelming. It's all I dreamed about last night, and I may have to stop writing to do a little happy dance. Also, it didn't snow here much, so that makes me happy too. And my hair is NOT orange like I feared, it's more of a soft coppery color with my natural dark brown low lights. I think it looks pretty awesome and I cannot wait to be tan again to see how it looks. The only sour note in my song of today is a stiff neck that I can't seem to get rid of. I'm hoping that Tylenol and a hot shower will help before my drive to Hay's house, otherwise the highway will be awkward to say the least. On the whole though, I feel that both Hubs and I are very lucky to have come through flu season with only minor colds.
       I have a request for you, my dear readers....I recently installed a poll at the bottom of my blog, asking what I should write about next. Please, if you have any suggestions, memories or themes you want me to make hilarious, let me know! Sometimes an entire day will go by with nothing funny happening, and when that occurs, I'm forced to write shit like this, which; let's be honest, is kinda boring. Hopefully I'll be making a special Saturday edition with tales of my day today..but we'll see.

And now, in honor of the weekend and the approach of spring, I give you......FIREWORKS!!! OOOOOO AHHHHHHH

Hooray! Celebrate the weekend! Enjoy the day!!

Art Camp!!

Even though it's snowing right now, I'm still in a pretty good mood. Tomorrow, I"m going to my sister Hay's  house for a full day of Art Camp. That's when you pull out all your coloring books and craft0-type stuff and make projects and messes all day. I really can't wait. I haven't had an Art Camp in years, and I've got a fire in my belly to make some jewelery. Wow, I just realized that none of you knew I had a sister! Totally my bad!! I guess I haven't written about her because she's got a normal life, with a job and a fiance and I don't want to blow up her spot with my crazy all the time. However, since she's getting married in the fall, I'll be mentioning her more and more as we do wedding stuff together. Other than that, and the fact that I nearly ran over 6 pedestrians yesterday afternoon on my way to the grocery store, not much else is happening around here. Little Brother is gone for a few days, hubs is at school, and I'm thinking about dying my hair this morning. After the workout, of course. Here's a picture for you.....

It corresponds with the dream I had last night. Hubs and I were adopting 5 kittens!! They were adorable, and came in all different colors. My favorite was the emerald green one, although the white one had the softest fur. An old friend was in the dream too, doing the limbo surprisingly well. My subconscious is really weird. Oh, and everyone was wearing button down shirts with stripes on them, only I couldn't get my shirt all the way closed. (Damn you fabulous rack!!) Anyhow, as I have no idea how long this hair project is going to take, i should probably go get started. If I am successful in NOT turning my hair bright orange, I'll post a picture, either here or on Facebook.  Til then, tootles!

Make it nice

Last week, on Facebook, I mentioned a strange smell coming from somewhere in my apartment. It was the oddest thing, reeking of dead fish and burned electronics, and it seemed to be coming from the bathroom closet. Now, the only thing we keep in that closet are our linens; towels and sheets and the like. For there to be a dead fish in there meant that I would have to had packed a sardine or something in that stuff back in California, or that something crawled in while we stayed at my parents house in Western Mass. Since neither of these situations are possible, really, the smell was a total mystery. Until yesterday. Hubs gets up early with me, and while he was getting ready for school, he noticed that we didn't have any hot water. I thought "Huh, that's odd. Maybe he just didn't wait for it to get warm before shaving..." But no, when I took a shower later on in the morning, the water never got hot. (Sadly, I didn't realize this until I was already IN the shower, again figuring that it just needed a little time to warm up I had hopped in and gotten all soapy.) Oh how the halls did ring with my shouts of "FML it's cold...Oh god, why..etc" as I rinsed off.  Drying off and getting dressed never felt so good, let me tell you. I called the office and spoke to our awesome landlady Jean, and she sent a maintenance guy right over. Meanwhile, Little Brother and I are dying of this mystery stink. When the nice man finally arrived, he couldn't smell it. ( I really thought I was crazy or having a stroke or something, except that L.B could also smell it) So anyways, Chris, the guy, is looking all around our linen closet, and asks us why we turned the breaker off. We reply honestly that we didn't. Jean had me check it when I first called, and when I noticed it was off, I flipped the switch like you are supposed to and BAM we had hot water again. But the smell had come back too..and the only thing I did between calling Jean and the arrival of Chris was wash the few dishes that we had from over the weekend. Surprisingly, there weren't many, but a fridge full of cheeseburgers means you don't have to cook, therefore no dishes. :) So, somehow me doing the dishes and using the hot water made the breaker trip again. Chris left for a bit, and came back to let us know we'd be getting a new hot water heater the next day. (That's today! Hooray!!) But while we wait, we don't have hot water, which means no showers. Thankfully, none of us smell too bad.

                                                This is what I felt like after a cold shower...

Also, hubs is staying home from school today because he's sick. If' you've ever met hubs, you know he's the toughest SOB around. But he's been laid low by a nasty flu like bout of Yuck that includes coughing, spitting and an ear ache. He must be miserable if he's giving up school. Right now he's sitting next to me at his desk, wheezing and generally feeling awful. I'm gonna baby him so bad today, nothing but tea, toast and something spicy for dinner for my sweetheart! I may even try to convince him to take a nap with me! OO I love taking a nap! If we hadn't just woken up, I'd suggest it right now! His poor voice is all froggy too....awww. So, while I can't take a shower or do any kind of dishes or anything else that requires hot water, I think I'm going to coddle my hubs, write to you all and make some kind of breakfast. I wonder how many cheeseburgers we have left...

Wacky Weekend

Let me set the scene for you....picture a lovely Friday afternoon, hubs is freshly out of school and we decide that wine is an excellent idea. We ride our bikes over to the store, and hubs picks up 3 bottles of a brand we've been wanting to try. We bike home (lovely) and have a glass or five (also lovely). Soon it's dark out, and we're thinking about supper. I casually mention that I could cook something, possibly chicken, maybe some steaks, but no..hubs has a craving for cheeseburgers. Well OK, I can't argue against cheeseburgers. So, we ask Little Brother if he wants to come for a ride. He declines...so hubs and I set off on a wine fueled adventure. (What will be the first of many over the summer I'm sure.) As we're waiting for the car to warm up, it's noticed that we need gas..and that the closest gas station that would still be open is across town. Destination set, we head off into the night, singing along with the radio and giggling. The gas station wasn't that exciting. Neither was traffic. But oh my friends, when we pulled up to the burger joint of choice..hubs informs me of his plan. " I think I want 30 double cheeseburgers, " he says nonchalantly. I laugh, thinking "13? That's a lot!" But when we pull up to the drive through window, and he orders, very politely 30 double cheeseburgers...well..I almost peed. The nice person in the speaker asks us to please hold on a second, then gives us our total. When we pull forward to pay, the second nice person asks us if we'd mind waiting "over there" waving at the parking lot a little. Sure, no problem..we pull around and park. Meanwhile, I'm still laughing so hard I can hardly breathe, imagining the expressions on all those little faces in the fast food kitchen. After 5 minutes or so, we decide to go into the restaurant to pick up our food. Apparently, this particular burger joint is the place to be on a Friday night, as the "Kidzone" was full and the dining room (if you can call it that) was pretty packed too. I show the chickie behind the counter our receipt, and she says "Oh, YOU'RE the ones.." I felt famous. She hands me a bag weighing, I shit you not, at least 5 pounds. Then she hands me another one. "We're still making the last 10." she says.  As hubs and I are standing there, folks from the kitchen are taking peeks at us. I wondered how many people had updated their Facebooks via cell phone..something like " Who orders 30 double cheeseburgers??" or " Some asshat is having a heart attach tonight!" Have to confess, I thought about updating my own FB, but decided to wait and see how everything played out. So, food in hand, we head home, hatching plans to pull similar stunts again at different restaurants.  We get back to the house, and feast on double cheeseburgers. Little Brother cannot believe his eyes. I jokingly mention that we have cheeseburgers enough to last the entire weekend. Hubs and LB discuss how hilarious it would be to do something like this again, only at lunch time. And with more people. I add that I think it would make a great short film. We all laugh uproariously. ( By the way, it's now Monday morning, and there are still 4 cheeseburgers left..) I should have taken a picture, but I was too busy stuffing my face. Next time though, I promise. 

Yes, that's Randy. If you don't know who he is, Google "Trailer Park Boys" and watch it all. You'll thank me, hopefully with giant sacks of cheeseburgers.

Mischief managed

 **I am very random this morning, I'll try in editing to make sense of what comes out today, but no promises.**


Hee hee hee..this morning I found and watched a short film by a band I love. Not a big deal, except I forgot what time it was and played it pretty loud, as the soundtrack was bomb. I was just about to start watching it again, when I looked at the time. O.o!! Naughty!! Loud music at 6:30 am!! I am surprised to report that the douchelord upstairs didn't make a peep..if you want to check out the film I think I linked it on my facebook this morning too. Best if played loud, it's NSFW at all, although the accents make it hard to tell.

I wish I had an accent.


So last weekend, hubs and I got bikes. Hooray!! Bikes!! I am totally excited to start riding again, and can't wait to be outside with the wind in my hair. Just as soon as my period goes away and I stop feeling like I got punched in the vagine. Seriously, this shit hurts. I'll post pictures of our hot new rides later on. And the dorky safety helmets too. I think I want a full face motorcycle helmet instead..that would be much cooler.

I just hit my mouse, and because of the super slippery bottom surface, it just went flying off my desk. Awesome. Spent a few seconds trying to figure out how to get it out from under there...maybe I should make coffee this morning. Nah.


Yes, coffee is the best idea ever.

Hmmm, let's see, what else? Oh, my crazy reached new levels when I started reading "The Vigilant Citizen"..
here's a link.  http://vigilantcitizen.com/  you'll see what I mean if you check it out. I wish I could say I disagree with what he's writing, but I am having a hard time not resorting to name calling.


Not too many chores to do today, I'll clean the house, make some phone calls and hopefully take the bike out if it's not raining. Even though it'll hurt, health is more important, as is a smaller ass.
And I'll write more too. But for now, coffee. Here's a picture to cheer you up on a dreary day.

Dramatis Personae

So, we've been together long enough that I feel it is important to introduce some of the people you'll be reading about. Because some of the stories I tell are embarrassing, I usually use aliases for people, but I thought it might be nice to have faces (or icons, as I didn't ask anyone's permission...ooo criminal!!) to go with the silly nicknames...without further ado, here we are, bedhead and all.

Me: Hello, I'm Jamie. I write stuff, make messes and probably drink too much.  I think deep thoughts and don't express them well, unless I'm trying to be funny. I'm married, and if the last 4 years are any indication, my primary hobby is moving. SWEET.

Hubs: Ahh, my husband. The sweetest killing machine I know. A former Marine, and all around action man, his hobbies include making me laugh myself silly, being a bbq god and trying to teach me kung fu. He hates, absolutely HATES having his picture taken, which is too bad, because I am a photo ninja and will take a snapshot whenever he's not looking.

Little Brother: Also called LB, he's actually quite a bit taller than I am. Even though I've got 10 years on him, we look alike, only I have more longer hair. He grows a better beard though. He loves to be outside, and is heavily involved in the outdoor recreation industry. Ask him if you want to be outside doing stuff, he'll have many cool ideas, and probably want to go with you. He's also stubborn (wonder where he gets that from??) and hilarious, so there's no doubt that we're related.

Indy:  My BFF. I've known her for...sheesh..is it almost 6 years now? Yeah, it has been that long. She's kind, loving and has the nicest kids I know. She has helped me through some really bad times, and has seen me cry, laugh, fall in love and stood up with me at my wedding. If she ever needs anything, I hope she knows to call me, because I would do anything for her. MUAH!

Bambi: Or Bams, as I like to call her. My other BFF, much missed.  She's elegant, graceful, artistic and super smart. We've been friends for well over 10 years now, but lost touch for a good bit of that time through no fault of our own. I'm hoping that the future sees us having many wine fueled adventures, hopefully those adventures include shopping, and eating.

Well, that's us. The basic cast of characters in this crazy show I call a life.
     omfg I'm in the middle of something what do you want.  babes...why are you doing this?  I was very close to done, and you just came in here and disrupted the whole thing......happy?  you're funny :).  I'm leaving all of that, I'm leaving all of that...because it's hlarious!  You spelled hilarious wrong.  Don't do anything to my blog.  "sigh".  blah blah blah.../slap.  
I was just hijacked...by a kiss ninja. Hubs came in to see what I was doing, and somehow managed to take over my keyboard. He distracted me with kissed, the rat! He thought he'd show off his typing skills by writing everything I was saying without looking. He's very cute. *Sigh*
 

Danger Will Robinson, DANGER!!!!

So, this morning, I realized that hubs is a very dangerous man. And not just because he was in the Marines, and could kill a man 20 bajillion different ways...no. The danger I'm talking about is waaayy more insidious. And terrifying. Take this morning, as a perfect example. All the world knows that my alarm goes off at the asscrack of dawn, because I need to be awake for a while before I can function in normal human society. Well, I heard my alarm this morning, hit snooze, then hit snooze again, and again. Awesome. So far, a normal morning. Then...I didn't hear my alarm anymore. Someone had turned it off. Being comfy and warm, I ignored the feeling that something was amiss.

                                             See? Look at how innocent and sleepin I am.
Anyways..I'm not sure what woke me up..possibly the nightmare I was having (little brother as a kid, child-snatched by Cthulu in a movie theater...!!!!!) or the fact that light was starting to come in the window, but I woke up like you see in movies...fully aware and sitting bolt upright in my bed. Scrambling for my phone, I can't believe that it's after 6AM. AFTER 6 AM!!!! We're supposed to be at the train station in 10 minutes!!! FUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!
  So..the danger. When we're sleeping, hubs radiates heat like an oven. A warm, snuggly oven. And without my alarm, I want to stay close to this oven, where nothing bad can get me and I can dream about puppies, rainbows and candy mountain. Or Cthulu taking my little brother, whatever. Hubs, of course IS a morning person ( I call him ActionMan)..so he just nonchalantly  rolls out of bed and starts getting dressed. I'm kinda freakin out...and he says.."well, good thing I could always take the later train." Wait..there's a later train?
The funniest part? He doesn't remember turning off my alarm, and I know I didn't do it, so we either have ghosts, or he's more dangerous asleep than I thought.

Picture time!!

Since no one's actually reading the stuff I write, here's some pictures to tide you over until I can think of something funny to say. Enjoy!

CAKE!!!

Gigglefits

So, I've been working on this in my head for a while now. I had this idea about sharing with y'all some of the funny shit hubs says before we go to sleep, but I couldn't figure out how to present it. Finally, I just decided to lay it all out there, in dialog form with small introductions to set the mood. Ready? OK, here we go...
  Scene 1: We're in bed, snuggling. I'm trying to get hubs arms around me more tightly.
Hubs: OWW! My arms don't bend that way!!!
Me: Why not?
Hubs: Physics, asshole.
I had to get up and pee I was laughing so hard. He sounded so indignant; it was adorable.

  Scene 2: A tickle fight. I'm losing..badly.
Hubs: Ew, you're spitting on me.
Me: (giggling and in a mock serious voice)...I'm sorry. I'll try..not to.
Hubs: Hey!
Me: It's the thought that counts!!
Hubs: Not when you're spitting on me.


  Scene 3: Later in the tickle fight...I'm still losing and can now barely breathe..
Me: Ow! Hey, no pinching!!
Hubs: (With faux Mexican accent)But I have peeenchers!

Oh man, we are just too funny. Here's a picture of a bunny.